Thursday, December 14, 2006

Homophobe Weekly: The Parenting Tips Edition

Ok, it's been a busy week. There's a lot to catch up on, so let's get started.

In probably the biggest news of the week, a writer for the always-reliable World Net Daily told us that eating soy products such as tofu can make males turn gay. Oh, and it makes their penis smaller, too.

"Soy is feminizing," the WND column tells us, "and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products."

I know what you're thinking: "I have a daughter. So if I feed her more soy, she'll for sure be into boys, right?" Well, maybe. But you'll also be setting her on an irreversible path of rapid reproductive system aging.

As the WND explains: "If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood."

Yes, the stakes are high when it comes to soy.

And here's a warning for you vegan parents who still want to push it: "Research [possibly completed in the author's garage] is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal."

Too much to think about? Well, too bad. There's more.

Now researchers at a university in Toronto have discovered that people who can write with both their left and right hands are more likely to be bisexual. So what do you do if you start seeing your child excel with both hands?

If the child is a girl, you could try to give her measured doses of soy products to push her feminine side. Of course, if she starts menstruating in the first grade, well, then you measured wrong.

If the child is a boy...yikes, that's a tough one. Until we have confirmed research that some food product makes someone like the ladies (perhaps beef jerky and chew?), your best bet is to just chop off one of his hands in hope that the shock sets him straight.

That's it for this week. Check back later for more homophobe news you can use.

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